So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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