if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
