I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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