She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
