Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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