Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
