mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize