Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
