just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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