I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
