She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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