as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
only you would photoshop your dick
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
