genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
