Sry I called you an 8
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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