my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize