I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
