My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize