im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
