I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
