I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
