Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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