I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
