Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
