I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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