Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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