Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
