Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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