hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize