Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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