Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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