Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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