if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
