Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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