Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
