I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just sucked dick on a ferry
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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