Umm I'm too high to move.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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