I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
