I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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