my soul wont recognize me after tonight
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
