WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
