is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
