Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
