i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
