i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
