I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
