highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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