Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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