I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
