The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
