I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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