If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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