She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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