I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
