I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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