im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
