you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize