I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
